Re: Be blackmailed or be a single parent of three? Are inlaws ever right?
Asked by atelier29
My husbands parents have been overbearing and oppressive and in some instances very disrespectful and offensive. This started prior to my husband and I marrying and GA_googleFillSlot("minti_advice_island_logged_out_300x250"); having children and ranges from announcing when I had not known them long "she shouldnt be lying in bed she should be taking her son to the park" obviously the child is from a previous relationship, to pushing me when i did not join them for lunch and informing me "you dont need to wear that where you are going" when i had on slacks and a blouse and was going to a 30th birthday in a bar and club (inferring I looked a slut), walking in the bathroom when i am naked in the shower to conduct a conversation with her son, etc etc this behaviour and attitude continued for three years in varying degrees, with no intervention from my husband at all at any time - I kept my mouth shut. At nine months pregnant and with my son present she joined us for a pottery class, spent 30 minutes on the phone to a friend, and when she hung up, informed me in front of my son and hers that that was one of her best friends who had just been trying to persuade her to get her son to go out with her daughter as "everyone knows they are meant to be married." Again no intervention from my husband, and I kept my mouth shut. When our son was finally born, my husband did not take a single day off work, and left me sitting at the hospital to be collected till 17.30pm whilst he finished a days work. He then invited his parents to come for the weekend (our son was born on a Monday). His parents arrived at about 18.30 and despite being competent English speakers, spoke nothing but german, sat in the living room with the baby and their son whilst I spent hours cooking, then serving them and clearing up. They left at midnight. They arrived very early the next morning to accompany us to take my older son to his football club, where when i tried to carry my son, my husbands father took him from me, when i made clear I wanted to carry my son, his father told me so did he, so I approached my husband and told him, my husband's response was "if my father wants to carry him then he can" I became highly distressed, which everyone ignored. After the club finished, we went to he shop where our pram was to be collected. There was no one working who knew how to assemble a pram complicated enough to come with a user dvd. I told my husband and parents, still in some distress, i did not want to collect it under these circumstances - they then informed me they could put the pram together, and despite my advising them this was not acceptable, they continued, coming out to the car in relay to try and force me, with me very distressed, to take the pram. Finally they left the pram and we drove to our home. My husband then left me in the house alone whilst he went out with his parents and my new son for lunch. Despite these events, my husband then asked, without my knowledge, consent or agreement, his parents to return for the weekend in two weeks time (New Year), I was advised only when they arrived of this plan - where i contacted them and advised them of the situation and told them I was not happy to see them under those circumstances - my husband left me and our new born to spend the New Year with his parents and they at no time suggested that he should return home, instead his mother responded she could have baby sat and his other family members sent offensive messages. Shortly after their return home, I then received a letter from his mother telling me I did not know what normal relationships were and that when she had a child she wrote to her in laws every week and told them how the children were doing. At no time during my pregnancy had she ever once contacted me to ask how I was or how the pregnancy was going. By this point obviously I was very depressed and my husband spent no time with me and I refused to see his parents further. His mother then sent me a book on how to speak german for my birthday - the first card or gift received from them since meeting their son three years before. This situation has escalated over the years, with his father alleging I said their son raped me (wholly untrue) to his stating that I was pathological and schizophrenic. At one point my husband threatened to kidnap my son and take him to germany so "I could know how his mother felt" which I find very disturbing for a number of reasons. I must admit that by this point I simply became highly offensive to them back - my husband did nothing but attack me constantly for what he considered his parents being treated terribly, whilst at no point doing the same where his parents behaviour was concerbed. My husband and I only married two months ago, and have had another child during the nearly eight years this has been going on - three prior to our first childs birth, and the nearly five since. He denies his parents have ever behaved in a way that can be called unacceptable, refused to give his assurance he would prevent this offensive behaviour if it occurred in the future and says his parents should have unconditional access to the children, which if need be I can be excluded from. Now we are married, he has been trying to blackmail me by saying if they cannot see the children he will divorce me. I dont think I am being unreasonable, and think that his relationship with his parents is unhealthy and unbalanced. What do I do?
You have every right to be concerned this is totally bizarre they have no right to treat you this way and your husband should be supporting you not agreeing with his parents every whim.It might be an idea to go and see a marriage counsellor if he would agree to it.You must be under enormous stress and pressure this can't go on they have really have a distorted view on your marriage and are interfering way to much and yes it is unhealthy and unbalanced.Remember your children are also watching this behaviour you really need to get some councelling.You could even call lifeline which is discret and have a talk to them they should lead you in the right direction.Hope everything improves inyour situation.