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Dealing with tantrums and inappropriate behaviour

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By: Guest
Date: Thu-Feb-18-2016-
Response
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Re: tantrums
Asked by charza

Question:

my son has recently started trowing tantrums it started off as biting and hitting me but id sit they're and pretend to cry and made him feel bad about doing it that way, although he still bites GA_googleFillSlot("minti_advice_island_logged_out_300x250"); and pinches and hits his sister, then she returns the favour, im not sure about what to do there at times they can be very nasty to each other i always make sure they apologise and cuddle but 5 minites later theyre doin it again lol.

but he has now began throwing himself on to the floor and banging his head on the ground i walk away and ignore him but then he comes up and bites me, the other day when it was time to come in side i had to pick him up and carry him, meanwhile hes biting and pinching me then i lay him on the floor so he cant just fall over i make sure theres nothing he can hurt himself with but im fed up with it .

He shouldn't be biting, my daughter did start it but i pretended to cry with her one day she started crying and never bit me again, now she'll sit they're and cry and get really cranky, we get the daggers lol!

any ideas how to handle the tantrums and biting apart from ignoring them because he only follow me  around till i end up growling or dad gets cranky and growls help!



My Advice:

Hello Charza and to anyone else reading this

My children were never biters or aggressive so I didn't have this dilemma.  Having said that, they were not angels either LOL

Time out works for some children, as does retaliating once or twice when all else has failed.  Just remember that if you place a child in their bedroom, they are not going there to play, but to sit on the floor or bed and consider why they are there.  From 3 onwards they start to get it but many parents think their child "doesn't understand".  They are amazingly manipulative creatures sometimes!

1-1 time with him is a great idea too and the threat of maybe not having time to do something special later will certainly give him something to think about!

If that fails, when he is calm, tell him that the NEXT time and every time he lashes out you will take one of his toys (start with the absolute favourite) and put it up on the fridge, and he will get it back when he can go from waking time to lunch with no outbursts.  He will be able to see it but not reach it (this in itself may cause a tantie, so take a toy and tell him the more he misbehaves, the less toys he will have to play with).

Yes, initially he will be angry, but this will teach him that good behaviour will earn back his toys.  This is one of the most effective methods I have used and seems to work with most children (whereas some other methods don't).  Teaching them at a young age that there are limits and when they are broken, there are consequences that they will not like is so, so important - it builds character, respect and responsibility, and instills confidence in their decision making abilities.  It also reinforces the unspoken knowledge that they are loved because their parents care enough to act on what is not right or appropriate.

I know some experts say aggression breeds aggression, but sometimes little kids get so caught up in their "mood" that nothing will get through to them.  The occasional smack on the bottom will not harm a child or cause emotional scarring.  I'm not talking beating here, just one or two firm smacks on the fleshy part with an open hand, then get down at eye level, hold his arms still and say in a firm (without shrieking) voice that "Mummy will NOT tolerate you biting or pinching her and nor will anyone else because it hurts" then get up and walk away.  He will see the stern look on your face, hear your firm voice and know you mean business.  You will probably find it takes only a couple of episodes before he gets the message.

I've parented 4 children and my best advice is that the earlier we teach them that there is a consequence for every action, the better off they are in the long run.  I have rarely felt the need to smack my children, but when I have given them one the have immediately realised that they have crossed the mark and pulled themselves into line
 

Here is an example of what can go wrong when a child doesn't learn consequences and respect ... (and this is NOT directed personally at anyone here in any way, I just want to share this with readers 
I have very dear friends who never taught her son that his actions have consequences.  He was a "different" kid from about 1 year old, said his parents.  "He only responds to discussion - not consequences" they told anyone who would listen.  "You don't understand what it's like having a child like this" they have told numerous parents and teachers at all his schools.  For example when he used the "F" word at age 6, Mum would say "Oh, darling I can see you are upset.  Who upset you today?  Let's talk about it".  Or when he was 10 and in an angry outburst he punched holes in the walls, Dad would just go off to the hardware store and buy what was needed to repair the damage - the son wasn't inconvenienced by his destruction or the cost of repairing it, or involved in helping repair it.  By the time he was 11 he was experimenting with alcohol and drugs (because eh didn't want to spend time at home so Mum and Dad gave him his "freedom" and he spent many days and nights skateboarding and hanging out with older kids who played on his willingness to fit in and be accepted.

Fast forward to 2008 .. He is now 15 and totally out of control.  He has absolutely no respect for anyone, including himself, his family or friends; he has barely attended school for the past 2 years (even though he goes to a special school for kids with problems) and as already been to court and in trouble with the police numerous times.  He walks into their home and says "What's for dinner?  Oh I F---king hate that" or when he can't use the computer "F--k I just want to use the f--cking computer". 

When he started smoking at age 11 or so, I was discussing it with the father who said "Well there's not much we can do - we smoke"  I said "You are the parents, and you are adults.  You are also breaking the law by supplying him with cigarettes or money to buy them".  Dad then said "His reasoning is 'you and Mum smoke and it stresses me out so I want you to see how it feels' and we can't argue with that can we?"  I was gobsmacked.  I once received an anguished call from the mother while I was out ans she was at my place with no car, asking me to go to the medical centre where he was resting after being found on a street havng a "green out" from smoking weed.  Again, there was no grounding, punishment or consequence for this child, so he continues to do it.

The calmest years of his life were when the parents put him into an "alternative" school (kind of along the lines of Steiner and Montessori  but where the adults have less control).  He happily attended school there for about 5 years, but whenever he had an out bust or was being disruptive, the teacher would say "I think you need to go and climb a tree" or "Go and get some fresh air and come back when you are ready".  He seemed happy because he constantly did as he pleased!   This is a child has a very high IQ (about 145 at age 6), has intelligent parents, the father co-owns a very successful business and they are model citizens of fairly high socio-economic community in Sydney.   His parents still make excuses, and will readily tell you he has so many issues preventing him from behaving normally - ceoliacs disease, ADHD and "Occupational Defiance Disorder".  What went wrong?  He was never brought to heel for his atrocious behaviour and treatment of people and belongings and now rules their home.  What he needed was some very firm discipline and probably the odd whack on the bum in the first few years of his life.  As a result his family have just about no friends as no one can stand being near this child and he causes trouble and embarrassment everywhere they go because he is rude, offensive, demanding and totally manipulative.  By the way, this is not just my opinion of this child and why things have gone so badly - many friends of mine who have observed the child and parents interactions have just shaken their heads and said "What the???"

The point of all this is that not elarning boundaries when they are young gives kids no guidelines to live by and a snowball effect occurs.  With time the atrocious behaviour becomes all the child and the family knows, and the longer it is tolerated, the less likey it is to stop.

Boy, a bit of a long one here, but sometimes it takes a lot of words to explain things sufficiently.  Even if this advice helps just one family, it was worth taking my time to write this!!

Happy parenting everyone 
Sharon

 

[d] By: Guest
Date: Thu-Feb-18-2016
Response
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